One Day At A Time

I never really realized the kinds of demons that exist within me.  And by demons I mean the many bad thoughts and feelings, not like an entity.  We all have our own demons to face and for me, I feel like I’ve been fighting a never-ending battle.  It’s been years since I’ve felt anger and frustration like I have recently and quite frankly it disappoints me greatly to see that I haven’t changed a bit.  I still fall for the same traps….still the same old pathetic fool.  Even upon realizing it, I still feel so powerless to stop.  Is this just who I really am?

What is this sense of loneliness that never seems to leave?  Why do I always have such a hard time believing in myself?  I’m so reflective of other people’s attitudes, it disgusts me.  It disgusts me that I’m so reactive and that the slightest bit of turbulence can knock me off course.  Then of course I always have such a hard time picking myself back up.

Story time.  So lately I’ve been struggling mightily on offense while playing basketball.  I just went on such a long stretch of shots rattling out, airballs, and even fumbling easy layups.  Finally during one pickup game one of my teammates, a guy that I’ve played with at the courts for awhile now, tells me “man, you gotta start launching those bombs.”  So I did.  I shot one and it finally rattled in.  Next time around he passes to me, wide open and shouts “I believe!”  I throw the ball up and it’s bottom of the net from a good step back beyond the 3pt line.  What’s the point of this story?  It’s so much easier to have confidence in yourself when others believe in you too.

I can’t believe it’s been like almost 11 months since I last blogged.  Well If anybody is reading, a lot has taken place, changed me and put things in perspective in this blogging absence.  Where to even start?

The simple things I guess will be a good warming up start.  I am now completely re-settled in Sunnyvale and I honestly can’t say I am as happy as I thought I would be.  Things just are not and will never be the same as when I left it, but I guess that’s life.  It’s forever changing.  I do miss my Davis life to a degree.  Definitely miss that sense of independence and the people.

So on to the heavier stuff.  I guess I will start with the tragic events that took place.  CJ and Mark, RIP.  When I heard the news about CJ, it really didn’t hit me that it was real until I kinda sat down with the others and talked to them about what happened.  I sat there at her funeral just staring at her casket and I just couldn’t understand why it happened.  I think what disappointed me more was what took place after the funeral.  I guess some might say that people deal with the pain their own way, and some might just deal with it by not dealing with it at all.  All I wished for was that everybody would just stop bickering and put their differences aside and all of us just have dinner and spend that moment together in CJ’s honor.  Obviously that did not happen.

I spent a good three days in complete isolation after that.  Did not want to talk to or see anybody during that time.  All I could do is keep thinking and I eventually came to a realization.  This will all be told in a manifesto that I may or may not reveal.  But in a nutshell, I guess all I can say is that it is important to remember who your real friends are and that the term “friend” should not be used loosely.  it’s hard and nobody really likes to do it, but there comes a point in life where you just have to stop associating yourself with people who really don’t give two shits about you.

Mark P, the second tragic event.  It was saddening.  I hated to see what it did to the people close to him.  I felt bad that I didn’t feel worse.  To be honest, I think I was so spent on what happened to CJ earlier in the year that I was a little desensitized to it.  Watching how the situation affected everybody, I came to another realization, and it was a hard one.  When It hit me I honestly almost broke into tears because I became so furious.

Mike Do, I hope you see this someday.  The way you left town without a word and chose to reject any of our attempts to get in contact with you…very childish and selfish.  After having seeing what my former housemates were going through in Davis after that tragedy, I realized what you pulled was no different.  You left us without a word, without an explanation, and without any way of talking to you again.  The difference, what you pulled is worse.  Why?  Because we know you’re out there, yet you voluntarily chose to keep us in the dark and hurt us by not letting us at least make amends.  As far as I’m concerned now, you’re dead too and that’s that.

Moving on.

So what’s going on now?  It’s hard not to feel conflicted.  The pressures of being forced to blend in and make it in a corporate society against trying to just be real and follow your own passions in life.  If you can’t be real and be who you are, then why live at all.  Money is what makes the work go round unfortunately and you just can’t live on passion alone.  I’ve come a long way in the past year as far as video production goes and I am proud to say that I learned and developed these skills on my own.  And of course I thank everybody along the way for helping me get and giving me opportunities to refine my craft.  Somehow though, it is just never enough and gets disregarded.  It gets very discouraging at times.  But what else can I really do, just gotta get back up before the 10 count.

Anyways, I think this post as gone long enough.  So I am just going to end it with a quote that I came across today.

“A lesson without pain is meaningless”

- Paint Garage

- Keep organizing all my junk

- Re-Edit Ace of Spaces

- Shop for dress shirt

- Shoot Campaign Video

- Edit Campaign Video

- Finishing moving things from Davis

- Go down to King’s Properties to ask about getting my deposit back

- One last bbq in Davis?

- Finish unpacking and organizing my junk

- Work on short films

Things are still a bit of a mess, but I’m starting to get resettled again, which is a start after a year of being on the road, wandering around and going back and forth between Davis and the Bay.  Sometimes I still just have this urge to pack up and kind of just disappear for awhile, go somewhere and anywhere where I can find inspiration and a little peace of mind.  Like two weeks ago or something I drove over to the city and met up with Jake after not seeing or hearing the guy for over a year.  I have to honestly say, that was one of the most refreshing days I’ve had in awhile.  Just following around this person who showed me a bit of what his life was like nowadays to finishing the day with hours of philosphical, deep conversations, it truly satisfied a bit of what I’ve been looking for.  What is it that I’m looking for?  I guess you can say a mind that could relate to mine.  I always have thoughts and theories about things in life and about myself, but I never really know if I’m just thinking in an insane fashion or if I’m really on to something.  To hear my same thoughts finally coming out of another person’s mouth is really what I needed to gain back some confidence in myself.

Coming from something like that, I felt the need to seek out others where I feel I could learn something and gain a little perspective.  But to be honest, this may be, in a way, like opening Pandora’s box.  It’s possible I may run into or be forced to confront something that is better off being kept sealed away.

There has always been one subject that I can never truly talk about it.  I still don’t know what it is, but whenever it’s brought up I feel very antsy, and uncomfortable.  It’s not so much that I don’t like to talk about it.  It’s more like it’s just a very touchy subject for me, and I would be quick to take offense should anybody be reckless with their words about it.  I have to say for the record though, Jake is about the only person that has hit the nail on the head when it comes to this subject.  He noticed it back in the day, and he still says the same thing today and really, I can’t deny the truth that he speaks.  It really makes me wonder though if anybody else has noticed it too.

So it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything.  Well to recap, I finished up at UCD, though I don’t exactly feel like I accomplished anything.  I’ve met some pretty cool people, participated in sports, and simply just grew up and learned to be more independent.  Even with that though, as a transfer student, I definitely don’t feel like I got to really get the complete college experience.  As far as my degree goes, the truth is I’m most likely not going to do anything with it.  Going into psychology was really just a self-help kind of thing to learn to pull myself together, but I guess it helps in the real world just to understand human interactions and how to handle situations a little better.

So what have I been doing since I finished school?  I decided that I’m going to pursue film again.  Obviously that can’t be the only thing that I’ll be doing since I need to make some money somehow.  I’m still waiting to get resettled back in Sunnyvale, after all that is done, which hopefully is soon, I can start looking for a job.

What has been on my mind lately?  Well, I just turned 23, and I gotta say, I’m not too thrilled about it.  I don’t know what it is, I just feel like I should be doing a lot more with my life now.  It kinda scares me too in a sense that I can see a lot of use splitting apart now.  It was bound to happen sooner or later, but we all gotta go and do our own things at some point.  If I didn’t feel so much obligation to be at home with the family, I would love to just pack up and hit the road for awhile and just see new things and look for inspiration.

So, the passed 2 weeks has been very eventful for me.  Learned and gained a couple things, maybe even grew up a little.  What I learned?….you just gotta learn to take risks sometimes and regret nothing.  Things may not turn out to be the way you hoped for, but it’s better than never knowing what might have been.  It’s easy to just hide in your comfort zone, but you can only squeeze so much out of that.  Failure is a part of growing, to learn from mistakes so that you can do it right the next time.

For some reason right after finals, I just felt really good.  It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Maybe I was just really anxious to hit the road, I dunno.  Either way, I felt confident and I felt strong.  Right after I left Davis for break, I went and got my hair cut real short.  It’s a weird feeling, but it was time for something different again.

Anyways, I went on a roadtrip with Ken and RKD.  It was pretty awesome.  The driving sucked.  Weather was pretty crappy too, but that didn’t kill the whole trip.  We stayed a night in Portland.  Not too much going on there, just had dinner and roamed around the streets.  We did end up staying there longer than what we planned, cuz we learned that they have no sales tax, so we ended up shopping around for a bit.  When we were done we hit the road again to Seattle.  Seattle’s actually a pretty nice city.  They definitely value their architecture.  Walking around the city was great.  The space needle was pretty cool, although I don’t think it’s worth the $16 to ride an elevator to the top.  We went to a museum too.  There was an area for sci-fi stuff, then an area for music.  That was pretty cool.  We got to mess around with instruments and they even had sound proof rooms where you can jam in.  We hit up Pike’s Place market too and had a nice dinner.  Overall, the whole experience was memorable.

Everyday I look for the same answer
The haze, it’s like having a mind cancer
It wasn’t something I really understood
My eyesight was clear, but visions blurred
What I prefered was a life of bliss
but happiness is not given
Unforgiven is fate, but soul driven
I’m soul searchin’,
finding myself and starting anew
Found a clue, and with a stronger attitude
I’m starting to realize what’s true
Some answers are better left untold
It’s best sometimes to let it just unfold
Once told, like 2Pac mentioned,
even “geniuses asks questions”
So refocusing my attention
I’m breaking out of this mental detention
Even the wisest get stumped
The smoothest hit bumps
Stars go into slumps
but they just keep playing
There’s no reason to keep hating
So I’m just saying
it’s time to stop life’s decaying
Sadness is no stranger
Anger was an unquestionable danger
If feeling pain is to be human
Then being hit hard is necessary
just to feel real again
Now see, reality is a tricky thing
It can float like a butterfly
yet hit you like a bee sting
But even during the darkest of days
I still heard the birds sing
It was faint, and I mostly ignored it
but deep down, I really adored it
and before it all fades away
I’ll take this mindset and store it

Woke up in the morning and I couldn’t face myself
I thought hard then I mentally screamed for help
The thought of disgust, I couldn’t shake it
The last chance I had and I failed to take it
It wasn’t something that I could create
Now I’m sitting here filled with anger and hate
The biggest mistake, was that I tried too late
Now I’m standing here in front of fiery lake
A lesson learned, but confidence shattered
A soul crippled, beat and battered
On my windshield it splattered
like a lovebug that mattered
An inner war now with losing battles
I’m shooken up hard with my mind rattled

I just had to do this.  I thought the footage from our tahoe trip years ago was hilarious and needed to be shared in a nutshell.  Enjoy!

So I thought I’d post a bit of an update.  My IM BBall games ended quite awhile ago…no playoffs again, but that’s ok.  It was a good experience for me, and at least I ended on a good note.  1-3FG, 3 pts, 1 reb, 1 ast, 1 stl and played good D.  Not great, but at least I did something and I know I’m not completely useless.

A bunch of us went to guitar center the other day.  I was playing with this electric classical guitar, I thought it sounded awesome, too bad it’s $300, which really isn’t that bad, but I can’t drop that kind of money when I have maintenance on my car to deal with soon.  I did buy some new strings for my electric though.  It was long overdue.  Besides the b and high e string, the other strings were the same ones I’ve been playing on since I first got the guitar back in high school.  I made some adjustments on the guitar too, so that along with the new strings, sounds great and feels a lot better.

So I’ve been feeling really depressed lately.  I’ve had all quarter to try and talk to this girl in one of my classes, we’re down to 2 more days of class left and I still haven’t been able to grow some balls to approach her.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s not that I’m shy, I’m just really self-concious and afraid of coming off as awkward.  I’m such a social failure nowadays.  All I can do is just keep playing my guitar and work off the frustration.