One Day At A Time

- Paint Garage

- Keep organizing all my junk

- Re-Edit Ace of Spaces

- Shop for dress shirt

- Shoot Campaign Video

- Edit Campaign Video

- Finishing moving things from Davis

- Go down to King’s Properties to ask about getting my deposit back

- One last bbq in Davis?

- Finish unpacking and organizing my junk

- Work on short films

Things are still a bit of a mess, but I’m starting to get resettled again, which is a start after a year of being on the road, wandering around and going back and forth between Davis and the Bay.  Sometimes I still just have this urge to pack up and kind of just disappear for awhile, go somewhere and anywhere where I can find inspiration and a little peace of mind.  Like two weeks ago or something I drove over to the city and met up with Jake after not seeing or hearing the guy for over a year.  I have to honestly say, that was one of the most refreshing days I’ve had in awhile.  Just following around this person who showed me a bit of what his life was like nowadays to finishing the day with hours of philosphical, deep conversations, it truly satisfied a bit of what I’ve been looking for.  What is it that I’m looking for?  I guess you can say a mind that could relate to mine.  I always have thoughts and theories about things in life and about myself, but I never really know if I’m just thinking in an insane fashion or if I’m really on to something.  To hear my same thoughts finally coming out of another person’s mouth is really what I needed to gain back some confidence in myself.

Coming from something like that, I felt the need to seek out others where I feel I could learn something and gain a little perspective.  But to be honest, this may be, in a way, like opening Pandora’s box.  It’s possible I may run into or be forced to confront something that is better off being kept sealed away.

There has always been one subject that I can never truly talk about it.  I still don’t know what it is, but whenever it’s brought up I feel very antsy, and uncomfortable.  It’s not so much that I don’t like to talk about it.  It’s more like it’s just a very touchy subject for me, and I would be quick to take offense should anybody be reckless with their words about it.  I have to say for the record though, Jake is about the only person that has hit the nail on the head when it comes to this subject.  He noticed it back in the day, and he still says the same thing today and really, I can’t deny the truth that he speaks.  It really makes me wonder though if anybody else has noticed it too.

So it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything.  Well to recap, I finished up at UCD, though I don’t exactly feel like I accomplished anything.  I’ve met some pretty cool people, participated in sports, and simply just grew up and learned to be more independent.  Even with that though, as a transfer student, I definitely don’t feel like I got to really get the complete college experience.  As far as my degree goes, the truth is I’m most likely not going to do anything with it.  Going into psychology was really just a self-help kind of thing to learn to pull myself together, but I guess it helps in the real world just to understand human interactions and how to handle situations a little better.

So what have I been doing since I finished school?  I decided that I’m going to pursue film again.  Obviously that can’t be the only thing that I’ll be doing since I need to make some money somehow.  I’m still waiting to get resettled back in Sunnyvale, after all that is done, which hopefully is soon, I can start looking for a job.

What has been on my mind lately?  Well, I just turned 23, and I gotta say, I’m not too thrilled about it.  I don’t know what it is, I just feel like I should be doing a lot more with my life now.  It kinda scares me too in a sense that I can see a lot of use splitting apart now.  It was bound to happen sooner or later, but we all gotta go and do our own things at some point.  If I didn’t feel so much obligation to be at home with the family, I would love to just pack up and hit the road for awhile and just see new things and look for inspiration.

So, the passed 2 weeks has been very eventful for me.  Learned and gained a couple things, maybe even grew up a little.  What I learned?….you just gotta learn to take risks sometimes and regret nothing.  Things may not turn out to be the way you hoped for, but it’s better than never knowing what might have been.  It’s easy to just hide in your comfort zone, but you can only squeeze so much out of that.  Failure is a part of growing, to learn from mistakes so that you can do it right the next time.

For some reason right after finals, I just felt really good.  It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.  Maybe I was just really anxious to hit the road, I dunno.  Either way, I felt confident and I felt strong.  Right after I left Davis for break, I went and got my hair cut real short.  It’s a weird feeling, but it was time for something different again.

Anyways, I went on a roadtrip with Ken and RKD.  It was pretty awesome.  The driving sucked.  Weather was pretty crappy too, but that didn’t kill the whole trip.  We stayed a night in Portland.  Not too much going on there, just had dinner and roamed around the streets.  We did end up staying there longer than what we planned, cuz we learned that they have no sales tax, so we ended up shopping around for a bit.  When we were done we hit the road again to Seattle.  Seattle’s actually a pretty nice city.  They definitely value their architecture.  Walking around the city was great.  The space needle was pretty cool, although I don’t think it’s worth the $16 to ride an elevator to the top.  We went to a museum too.  There was an area for sci-fi stuff, then an area for music.  That was pretty cool.  We got to mess around with instruments and they even had sound proof rooms where you can jam in.  We hit up Pike’s Place market too and had a nice dinner.  Overall, the whole experience was memorable.

Everyday I look for the same answer
The haze, it’s like having a mind cancer
It wasn’t something I really understood
My eyesight was clear, but visions blurred
What I prefered was a life of bliss
but happiness is not given
Unforgiven is fate, but soul driven
I’m soul searchin’,
finding myself and starting anew
Found a clue, and with a stronger attitude
I’m starting to realize what’s true
Some answers are better left untold
It’s best sometimes to let it just unfold
Once told, like 2Pac mentioned,
even “geniuses asks questions”
So refocusing my attention
I’m breaking out of this mental detention
Even the wisest get stumped
The smoothest hit bumps
Stars go into slumps
but they just keep playing
There’s no reason to keep hating
So I’m just saying
it’s time to stop life’s decaying
Sadness is no stranger
Anger was an unquestionable danger
If feeling pain is to be human
Then being hit hard is necessary
just to feel real again
Now see, reality is a tricky thing
It can float like a butterfly
yet hit you like a bee sting
But even during the darkest of days
I still heard the birds sing
It was faint, and I mostly ignored it
but deep down, I really adored it
and before it all fades away
I’ll take this mindset and store it

Woke up in the morning and I couldn’t face myself
I thought hard then I mentally screamed for help
The thought of disgust, I couldn’t shake it
The last chance I had and I failed to take it
It wasn’t something that I could create
Now I’m sitting here filled with anger and hate
The biggest mistake, was that I tried too late
Now I’m standing here in front of fiery lake
A lesson learned, but confidence shattered
A soul crippled, beat and battered
On my windshield it splattered
like a lovebug that mattered
An inner war now with losing battles
I’m shooken up hard with my mind rattled

I just had to do this.  I thought the footage from our tahoe trip years ago was hilarious and needed to be shared in a nutshell.  Enjoy!

So I thought I’d post a bit of an update.  My IM BBall games ended quite awhile ago…no playoffs again, but that’s ok.  It was a good experience for me, and at least I ended on a good note.  1-3FG, 3 pts, 1 reb, 1 ast, 1 stl and played good D.  Not great, but at least I did something and I know I’m not completely useless.

A bunch of us went to guitar center the other day.  I was playing with this electric classical guitar, I thought it sounded awesome, too bad it’s $300, which really isn’t that bad, but I can’t drop that kind of money when I have maintenance on my car to deal with soon.  I did buy some new strings for my electric though.  It was long overdue.  Besides the b and high e string, the other strings were the same ones I’ve been playing on since I first got the guitar back in high school.  I made some adjustments on the guitar too, so that along with the new strings, sounds great and feels a lot better.

So I’ve been feeling really depressed lately.  I’ve had all quarter to try and talk to this girl in one of my classes, we’re down to 2 more days of class left and I still haven’t been able to grow some balls to approach her.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s not that I’m shy, I’m just really self-concious and afraid of coming off as awkward.  I’m such a social failure nowadays.  All I can do is just keep playing my guitar and work off the frustration.

I don’t know what it is about the night, but I often find myself just being up and going to bed when the sun rises.  When people ask me what I do so late, I don’t really have an answer.  Most of the time I’m just listening to music, which really gets me into a thinking kind of mood.  That can be a bad thing I guess since I tend to get lost in my thoughts and drown in the negativity.  I remember back before I could drive, I enjoyed walking home at night by myself from wherever it was that I was coming from.  It was a very calming feeling.  It’s quiet, you here the wind blow and leaves just brushing across the floor…maybe even see a cat wandering on the street. I guess it could be kind of spooky to some people.

It’s amazing when I look back to maybe just 2 years ago.  I used to be such an angry and aggressive person.  It’s kinda crazy how the passed year has changed me.  Sure I’m still angry at pretty much everything, but I’ve kinda just accepted things.  Life just became less appealing to me and I guess I really just stopped caring.  Shit always happens, and I just don’t see what the point is anymore to keep fighting.  Without a cause, it’s all just for nothing.  I remember having a conversation with Jake when we were just chilling in the hills the time we all went to Tahoe.  He mentioned that it was a really scary feeling when you completely don’t care what happens to you.  When I think about it now, I wouldn’t say that it’s scary, but more disturbing and alarming.  Sometimes I just have those moments when I want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere and never come out.  I’m on the road so much these days, sometimes I space out and I start thinking about what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and let the car go into whatever.  Living has really just grown to be so tiresome.

Lately I’ve just been really down.  You know you’re down when eating starts to feel more like a chore than anything else.  What bothers me is that I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.  Well I guess I have a clue, but just damn, it’s so frustrating.  To start, I’m just losing any passion I had for anything.  Nothing feels enjoyable or has that same satisfying feeling anymore.  I just don’t know where to turn to now.  Maybe it’s just how I feel at this moment, I don’t know.

So I had an IM Bball game earlier, and it left a very bitter taste.  You know, I always tell myself to just have fun and don’t take things to heart, but it always shakes me up.  I’m sure my whole team feels pretty down about our loss tonight.  We were down 1 with posession to try and take the lead, ended up throwing the ball out of bounds.  We’re down 3 now with time running out, we hit a 3 to tie the game with 1.6sec left.  The other team ends up hitting a buzzer beater from half court.  Ouch, heart-breaker right there.  I dunno what it is.  I always say that things like that won’t bother me, and I always hope that it won’t, be lets face it, I’m competitive and I hate losing.  Well, losing isn’t always a big deal, it just hurts when I feel like I didn’t contribute much.

Lately, I’ve started to miss having a g/f.  I guess it’s when stuff like that buzzer beater happens I always wish I had somebody close that I could talk to.  I haven’t been in a relationship since junior year of high school after that big mess happened.  I enjoyed that me time to just do what I wanted and get myself together, but like my uncle says, I’m not getting any younger.  I miss having that bond with somebody.  There’s this girl in one of my classes that I totally have a crush on, but it’s such a huge class and I just can’t think of any way to talk to her without coming off as creepy.  Sigh.